I had a set time line of business development that I had exceeded by about 14 months. It was based on our funds, what we could afford so that I could devote energy and funds to it. I blew by that timeline and never even addressed it. We had been scraping by financially with unexpected boons coming off and on that kept us going so I just kept going.

Obviously for the first thing, I should have addressed the timeline blow through. The months kept flying by and I sort of lost track of how long it had been and my boyfriend, wonderful man that he is, just said, "follow your dream". But we never really talked about the strain this put on us and our family as a whole.

My desperation grew without me even realizing it and the pressure I put on myself to "produce" a viable business was like this elephant in the room that had become neon with glitter in its desire to be noticed.

I finally had a moment where I said, I have to stop. I have to go get a job and stop fucking around and contribute to our home. Yes, I referred to my business development as fucking around. Nice right? I was supposed to be creating a business I loved. I was supposed to be creating something that no one had ever seen. I was supposed to have this fabulous vision that could change the world. And I was calling it fucking around.

Lots of “supposed to’s” in there also and I hated that. I started from there and went on. Next came the realization that I was creating a business out of desperation and not out of fun, desire, vision or anything remotely like what makes your business worthwhile or desirable.

Next came being ashamed of myself. For not even bringing up that I had blown through our timeline, our funds, our trust in each other. I had taken advantage of it all. Of him and myself most of all. And damn was that uncomfortable. Nothing like a little shame to make you feel like a recalcitrant child.

The ultimate thing was that I had really lost myself. I had lost my fun, my laughter, my joy in me. My life had become a slog through of everything and I had just kept slogging through like it was the thing to do. I had gotten so far away from where I had started, I had no idea how to get back. The answer, of course, keep pushing forward. Head down, not looking anywhere but at my feet to make sure they kept finding some kind of toe hold.

This is the thing, the desperation I felt was not just based on financial success. It was all about who I am. I was desperate to prove that I could do this. That I could make a success of myself and the longer it went with no apparent success, the more desperate I became. Then there was nothing else left but that. I had lost me and all my purposes and my happy.

No wonder nothing was working. No wonder I had spent so much time trying to create something and getting nowhere. I had the wrong energy as my drive. Then I read this from Danielle LaPorte, “You can’t plant misery seeds today and expect to get a juicy crop next season.” All of my angst summed up in one sentence.

I sat out back in the sun with my iced tea, my tunes and felt like I was having a party all by myself as I worked through all of this in my journal. I felt like a teenager with not a care in the world and loved every moment of it. I was almost giddy with relief.

I had finally hit on what I was supposed to do. It’s like the floodgates had opened. I am still opening up more doors inside me and working through each one as they come. Some have been rough and painful and I am feeling angry that after all these years of personal development, I am dealing with more, again, still.

I went looking for a job to ease the financial burden in our home. I don’t know if I will get the job I applied for. I don’t think so. I wouldn’t hire me. I have worked for myself for too long. What do I have to offer besides a pain in their neck with my outside the box way of doing things and not wanting to do what I’m told? Last interview was today and I’m not really feeling it.

At first I thought that getting the job, any job, would make my desperation go away. Not so much. It was never really about the money. It’s about me and who I believe myself to be. Nothing will get better until I do. And that is what this is all about.

Epilogue:

That was quite a while ago and I am happy to say things have improved. I did not get the job surprisingly enough. Like I said, I wouldn’t hire me.

I no longer work from desperation. Don’t get me wrong, it still pops up once in awhile. I deal with it as it comes to me. I sit in the backyard and drink my tea and listen to my tunes still. I journal nearly every day. And meditate. And visualize. And and and...

The big lesson is that I lied to myself. I pretended and I didn’t allow myself to be vulnerable with the most important person in my life. I played the game alone as if I was an island unto myself. Not needing anyone and not wanting anyone to know that I was failing miserably. In my opinion.

We are not alone unless we choose to be. I would have figured out the desperation thing a lot quicker if I hadn’t sat here like a hermit and pretended that everything was fine. I could have gone to business friends and actually been, you know, vulnerable, *shudder*, but I had no interest in sharing my “shame”. And so, I was lonely in the keenest sense of the word.

Out of all of that mess, Business Goddess Style was truly born. The need for connection, the need to be vulnerable and share what was really going on inside of me showed me that we all need that. We all need to be vulnerable. We all need support. We all need a community of our own to depend on. And who will depend on us.

If you are alone and needing to feel that you are doing ok, this is the program for you. If you are working hard and not getting anywhere, if you are dealing with your own elephant in the living room, if you are desperate to make a success of something you have worked so hard on; schedule an hour with me so we can discuss it and teach you how to be in your business in order to grow it the way you have always dreamed.

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