It has now been a year in the life of me and it may have been the most awful year of my life.
My step-daughter suffers from mental illness, had a baby and spent a year moving in and out of my house, 6 times. Sometimes with the baby daddy, sometimes without and one time just the baby daddy. All with the baby in tow. My mom was bamboozled by a shyster with promises of exuberant health, clarity of mind and renewed relationships for everyone in the family. It didn’t work. My daughter stopped talking to me and 9 months later I still don’t know why. My ex-husband died by drinking himself to death. I dealt with most of the fall out so his elderly parents didn’t have to. I had one of the worst fights ever with my mom, I cannot remember being so angry at her. My relationship with my man has floundered to the point of nearly ending it all. We had new neighbors move in with 3 rescue pit bulls and our wandering cat wandered into their yard and was attacked by them, we had to put her down. I had the fight of all fights with my step-daughter, she left and is no longer speaking to us as well. We were not invited to the baby’s one year birthday. We inherited her cat though.
Those are simply the major events of the last year. There were not so major events as well that seemed to happen on a weekly basis. As for business, I had a brilliant epiphany about my coaching business last summer and I dove in deep to see what could be created. It was amazing and I knew I had found a way to touch more lives than ever before. I wrapped up current clients with the mindset of moving into this new way of running my business. Then the personal stuff started taking over and nothing worked right. I had to bring in money. As I had let go of clients and was not in a position to find more, I began driving for Uber and Lyft. As I struggled with the personal issues, driving long hours, babysitting and keeping a house running with 4 to 5 adults and a baby in it, business became, at best, a tertiary issue.
Did I mention my hip in all of this too? It had been hurting for months but then it took a turn for the worse around January. I limped and was in constant pain. Sleep was already difficult, it became next to impossible. Oh, and the finances had reached a breaking point too. We were in a bad way what with supporting everyone and not getting any rent from 2 of the adults in the house. Plus, the youngest turned 18 and there was no more child support from his mom. Our output far exceeded our input.
I needed help and I got it in the form of an amazing coach/therapist, Judith. She kept me on track and quite literally, saved my life. We work together every week and I work, let me tell you. I dug into each new event that happened and then the underlying issue that it revealed. I had also taken too much responsibility for all of the drama when it was clearly not all my doing. By aiming at helping everyone get on their feet and keep the house running, I lost myself and what I was actually responsible for. Namely, me.
I have cried this past year, maybe more than I have cried over my whole life. I can cry at the drop of a hat. I can cry for no reason at all. I have grieved for so many things this last year. I grieve for my ex and the anger wrapped around his death makes it challenging. Plus the worry over our children. With my daughter not talking to me, I have no way to support her. My son was much better after we spread his father’s ashes but I still worry for him. One of my biggest thoughts is that I still have my father and my children don’t have theirs.
I grieve for my daughter. I miss her more than I can say. I grieve for my step-daughter who I love as my own. I grieve for the lose of the baby. There is nothing like being a grammy and I miss that little smile that was just for me. I grieve for the cat, Snickers. She was my man’s cat and he had taught her circus tricks. She played fetch and spun in circles and was a most unusual cat. I grieve for the relationship that is still on rocky shores and is not saved by any means. And although I never thought I would, I grieve for the empty nest. Being a mom has been so much of my identity for more than 30 years that it was a shock to retire that part of myself.
I grieve, as well, for my business. It has not manifested in any way I thought it would. But really, how could it? I took time off from business building for the very first time since I started coaching all those years ago. It was great! I wrote a book during that down time and was ready to publish. Except...the last nightmare happened and I lost my mojo to move forward. I have been staggering around since then trying to find a trail that would lead me towards what I need to do.
This year has changed me. It has expanded who I am in ways I don’t even know yet. I still talk to Judith every week, sometimes more depending on the crisis of the moment. Although, we have had no more crisis' since we had to put the cat down. I am praying that we have reached the end of turmoil and can begin to rebuild now. It is hard to build anything when the foundation under you wobbles and disintegrates on a regular basis. A friend of mine said that my life has been like a snow globe. Someone gave it a really good shake and it is finally starting to become a slow drift as the final flakes settle after the storm. Blue skies on the horizon, I hope I hope!
I have had amazing support from friends and family. Despite the problems with my man and I, we have come together in support of/with each other time and again. There is a lot there to build on if we can get past what is happening now. My mom and I have founded a new, stronger relationship that is wonderful to have. She is fabulous and I don’t know what I would do without her. I have my own group of MizMind ladies who are not just my business building sisters, but my very good friends as well. I can’t imagine what I would have done without them these last 9 months. Each of them has grounded me in a way that was necessary for me to keep going.
It has been frustrating to not be able to find what I want for myself. I want to wake up and breath. I want to be strong and fit. I want to be healthy and happy. Those are about as far as I have gotten so far. Therefore, I am going back to my own roots. I will run through my own programs and see what comes. I have my new book’s program, Being Your Ideal Future Self, for my personal stuff. For business, I will be running through Business. Goddess Style. The programs work, and work well. I should know, I’ve used them already. As my path is so murky at the moment, I need to find a direction and this is the best way I know to help me discover it.
I have learned a lot of good lessons this year and it is time for me to put them to good use. One of them is to slow down. I have been in a rush my whole life. I spent so much time trying to rush through the awful times, I missed possibilities and solutions. I have to allow what needs to be experienced, to be experienced. Life happens in it’s perfect time, always.
I am itching to get coaching again. I need to. It is one of my favorite things to do and I am good at it. When you don’t do what you are meant to, a little part of you withers on the vine and I have withered this last year. Several months ago, I began purposefully coaching people in my car as I drive. If I have someone in the car for more than 5 minutes, I coach them. Whether they know it or not. I ask questions and we connect in a way that most would not think possible in such a short time. It has been the best part of driving for me and I have opened strangers eyes to perspectives they had never seen before.
Coaching in the car has brought me to see that while business building is important, the reason you do what you do is the key to your success. Losing sight of your passion is a dream killer. Your passion is a part of who you are. If you aren’t actively participating in your business, you will never create what you want. I spent too much time this last year building and not participating. I won’t make that mistake again.
I want to share my lessons on this journey with you and hope they are lessons you can gain from as well. This has not been the easiest post to write. In fact, pushing the send/publish button will be one of the hardest things I do. Sharing my personal life is not my strong point and yet, it is a lesson gained this year. Sharing can bring about insights never thought of before. It can also bring about a lightening of the load. Plus, how many of you may be dealing with the same type of thing I have?!
I plan to re-create my business, renewed and reinvigorated. I also plan to participate in my own business by coaching my programs. They were put together from lessons learned myself. We all grow in ways we never see until after the fact which is why I intend to share this journey with you. Life is always a two way street, a Tango of back and forth, good and bad. It’s important to not lose sight that life is painful and wonderful all at the same time.
After this year, I am ready for some wonderful.
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